Get Married; Stay Married

Spring and summer is the time to bloom. Many young couples prefer these months to tie the knot and enter a new life.

Married life is not a bed of roses. Actually it is full of thorns. But it’s up to the individuals to convert it into a beautiful perennial garden where there is always colour and fragrance.

I want to pass on the wisdom that I have acquired in my married life that lasted thirty five years, until my husband passed away. I admit that it was not flawless, but just as life is not perfect, marriages are not meant to be without fault either. They are bound to have ups and downs. There are moments when you want to die for each other and moments when you want to kill each other. Between the two peaks is the time that keeps you together. And the essence of my experience is to try to extend that period as much as possible.

So here are some pointer from someone who has been there, done that.

Love needs surrender. Do not let your ego become a barrier between your relationships. If you’ve made a mistake, ask for forgiveness. And the apology should sound sincere and come from the bottom of your heart. A willy-nilly utterance of ‘sorry’ does not cut the mustard.

Forgive and forget. Do not keep bringing up previous fights and what he/she had done two years ago. Never go to bed angry. No one knows when we’ll take our last breath.

Do not keep secrets. You should be like open books to each other. There is nothing more hurtful than finding out something about him/her from a third person. Also, don’t give your better half any reason for doubt or suspicion. Lying, cheating and doing things behind each other’s back are a total no-no. (A surprise party is an exempt!) The more you trust each other, the closer you will get to each other.

This trust should be reciprocated with a promise: Don’t ever use any info that she/he had confided in you as a means to get back at her/him during a fight. If you’d do that, she will become apprehensive, loose her trust in you, and eventually, you will grow apart. Be open minded and open hearted. Even if he has made a mistake and came to you for help, be graceful and hold him up rather than crushing him down.

If your relations are temporarily strained or suspended, there is no need to announce it by your behaviour toward his/her family. They must always be respected and treated in the best manner. You will eventually make up with each other, but they will always remember your ill treatment.

Never attack your spouse by degrading his family, even if they deserve it. In the heat of arguments it feels good to call a spade a spade, but then he would do the same and all the respect for each other would go out the window. So control your tongue. It’s better to be a peace keeper than a self-appointed crusader. Do not throw slurs at the people he/she loves and respects because you will end up bringing disrespect to your own.

Never talk bad about your parents to your in-laws and vice versa. You will create disrespect between the two families. If your spouse ever talks negatively about your parents or siblings, do not convey his/her feelings to them. Similarly, don’t tell your spouse any negative opinions that your family expresses about her/him. It’s best to make a policy of never getting involved in back biting or gossiping. And yes, do not share your spouse’s intimate or embarrassing habits with your friends.

Trust and respect are the bedrock of a happy marriage. Remember that Allah the Most Merciful has described this relationship in His Absolute Wisdom as “you are garments to each other.” Just like your clothes beautify and protect you from the heat and cold of the weather, spouses should cover each other’s fault, complement and protect each other in every which way.

Men have an added responsibility of keeping a balance between the wife and the mother. Each of these women loves you and claims her right on you. Your Jannah is at the feet of your mother but your comfort is in your wife’s arms. Be diplomatic and save both Duniya and Akhira.

Don’t keep thinking that the door to divorce is open; if things didn’t work out, I will call it quits. Don’t be a quitter; it is self defeating. Moreover, divorce destroys you financially and emotionally.

Marriage is like any other undertaking. You have to work at it to be successful. Be a go-getter. Aim for a blooming life. Enjoy the fruit of love and live happily ever after.

Asma Warsi